Episode 23 - Happy Hour!

"Let's go get some coffee."  We emerged from the underground conduits to arrive once again into the synthetic daylight of the Martian space station. Overhead, bright incandescent spots shown down from a fake red sky, their filtered light simulating approximately 5:00PM.

"Happy hour!" Marshall declared quickly joining the crowd of travelers determined to spend their down time in a bar.  "This place gives you a whole plate of those little bacon wrapped wienies for only two credits as long as you buy at least one pitcher.  The first dancer comes on at 6.  You should get a look at her.  If you do nothing else on Mars, boys, you must see Marla, the Andorian.  When she gets those three giant knockers swinging..."

"I'm good with that," Derrick interrupted and followed Marshall.

"I'm going for coffee," I announced again loudly.  If they wanted my help, they were going to have to get it on my terms.  I liked those bacon wrapped wienies as much as the next guy and I certainly wasn't averse to watching a triple-breasted Andorian stripper dance but if the future of the whole Earth was at stake then we needed to get to work, not reserve prime seats for the next show.

"I want Marla," the little Martian announced.

"No way.  You're too young.  You were just born like what, fours hours ago?"  Derrick turned his back on Fogweet as Marshall paused and gazed at the wall where a huge vid flashed pics of Marla in her various poses.  I considered trying to cover Fogweet's enormous eyes with my hands but I was too busy covering my own.

"Martians age quite rapidly.  Fogweet is a teenager now, roughly equivalent to a sixteen year old boy.  Come on, buddy.  I'll take you into Starbucks and buy you a cherry mocha frappucino with extra whip and sprinkles."

"Can I have a whoopie pie too, Uncle Jerry?" the little dude asked, his voice cracking.
"Sure."

"And two large fries from the Golden Arches next door? And a megamundo burrito with eighteen layers? And a bucket of original recipe fried chicken? And ..."  I grabbed the Martian's skinny arm and dragged him into the coffee shop.  Reluctantly, Derrick and Marshall followed. After we got our drinks and some food, we settled at one of those teeny round tables next to the simulated fireplace.

"Okay Derrick," I announced though I kept my voice really low so the other patrons wouldn't hear.  I didn't really know who or what we were dealing with.  The enemy could be any one, even that fat green doubled headed Beckwad two tables over.  With his extra head, his hearing was practically surround sound.  "This first thing I need you to do is get your C.O.  to contact Spaceforce Command and put me on special assignment.  The Earth is as important to me as the next guy but so is my career."

"What?" Derrick asked.

"I didn't catch that," Marshall yelled.  "Are you whispering?"

"Yes, I'm whispering," I whispered.

"What?" Derrick asked again.

"Why are you whispering in here?  You know, I could really use some whiskey in this coffee."  Marshall stood up.   "I think I'll go next door and have them add it.  They don't have whiskey here in Starbucks, do they?"

Marshall walked off as I leaned over and repeated my request in Derrick's ear.  Fogweet had finished his drink and jumped up too while explaining he was off to get egg rolls from the Lucky Wok two doors down.  From the corner of my eye, I saw him follow Marshall into the strip joint instead.

"Ok Jerry," Derrick agreed pulling out his cell.  "I'll get my boss right on it."

"Thanks.  Now Derrick,  I need to know everything."  Derrick cradled his cup in his hands and composed his thoughts.  He nodded his head slowly.

"Alright.  It all started about four months ago," he began.

"Dr. Waldman?  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to interrupt but aren't you Dr. Waldman from the Discovery?"

With a bit of annoyance, I tore my eyes away from Derrick to look at the girl who was now standing by my side. For a moment, I couldn't breathe.  Here I was an absolute wreck, stinking, filthy dirty, my uniform not fit to be a wash rag while sitting with a guy equally disastrous, my only comfort being that no one knew me here.  Now, out of nowhere, The Girl appeared.  The Girl had golden blonde curls and deep blue eyes and her own ensign's uniform was absolute perfection.  We had met on a spaceplane last year, sharing a row of too small seats and since that fateful moment, The Girl, This Girl had consumed my thoughts.

"Uh Jerry?" Derrick cleared his throat.

"Derrick," I coughed. "Um...let me introduce Special Agent Derrick Thomas...Ensign Katie Golden, Spaceforce Academy Graduate of the Year."

Episode 22 - "Noodlier Dive"

"Marshall! Get your ass over here and help me with this Big Head! You know we need that chip!" Officer Marshall looked like hammered hell but his addictions were the least of my concerns.

Marshall leaned in and grabbed Fogweet by the neck. He was a a man a some size, and lifted the Big Head with ease. I climbed off of the doctor and got to my feet. "Hey, hold him up in front of me" I told Marshall and slugged Fogweet hard in the gut.

"Hey Derrick, what the hell man! You can't just go punching...", the doctor stopped short as I picked up the shiny gold chip off of the ground. 

"Doc, I'm pretty patient with you and your freak Martian buddy over here 'cause I know you're not really a military man, but you have no clue how important this chip is. It is no toy, nor candy, nor anything else to be played with. I've been through hell and high-water to acquire this from that agent, to keep it hidden from those wild Big Heads, and to keep its location secret from those monstrous traders. I've been beaten quite severely, chained like an animal with no hope of escape, and bitten by what you tell me is probably some rabid alien trader, all with the intent of reacquiring this chip and completing my mission, so if you think that your sensitivities or the sweet tooth of this little Martian is going to stand in my way, you are sorely and sadly mistaken. Are we clear?" 

I hadn't even noticed but I had my good arm across Jerry's chest and had him pinned against the far wall of the conduit. My anger subsided a bit and I took my arm off of the doctor. His eyes were glassy behind his glasses. A tear streamed down his face, but I could tell this was not a tear from fear, but more from adrenaline and his own anger. He collected himself and put his finger in my face; "You listen here you obnoxious brute. I may not be a cold-hearted, violent, murderous soldier like you, but I am a military man and I have made plenty of my own sacrifices just to find and help you on this bullshit quest of yours. So remember that next time you lay hands on me or my freak friend over there. Now, if you don't mind... Tell your massive minion over there to release Fogweet before he chokes him to death and explain what the hell is so important about this chip of yours, because your secrets are getting boring and old."

Officer Marshall put Fogweet down and the two surrounded Jerry and I. They were as interested in an explanation of the chip as the doc was.

There was complete silence in the conduit as the two men's faces wore the gravity of the information I had presented to them. "What is Noodlier dive?" the little Big Head asked. "It's Nuclear Drive genius!" I corrected him. Jerry rubbed his eyes under his glasses trying to process everything he had just heard; "So you're telling me that there is some sort of fusion device in this spaceport that has the capability of creating a nuclear explosion that could globally decimate the Earth?"

"That is exactly what I am telling you doc! The device was scheduled to be shipped to some technologically backwards colony somewhere in star system-Alpha but we got word that is was going to be hijacked by those traders we ran into. I was sent here to try and stop them, but by the time I arrived on this freakin' rock it was already too late. The device had been stolen and stashed somewhere secret. The one saving grace was that we had other agents working on our behalf. That old lady in the lift from earlier is a Martian agent working to ensure that the device does not get off this planet in the traders' possession and so she removed the chip from the device before it was stolen. She knew that the device would not work without it and that the alien traders would not be able to leave without it, so it was her best effort at stalling until I could get here to help. And now that I'm here, and finally have a hold of the chip it is imperative that I keep it out of their hands."

"But you're saying that these traders want to take the device to Earth? And then what, set it off? Why?" Officer Marshall asked, his voice trembling.

"That information is classified Officer, sorry I can't share that with you."

"Damnit Derrick, what is wrong with you people? You government spooks don't ever think in the world of reality. That device is on the loose somewhere you have not located yet, those traders are apparently all over the place with one intent: killing us all for that chip, and once they get it they will transport a nuclear device to our home planet with the intent of detonating it and probably wiping out life as we know it, and you're still concerned about your damn secrets? Classified? Seriously? Don't you think it's about time to give us all of the information we need to help you?"

"Help me? So you're sticking around a little longer then doc?"

"I don't see that I even have a choice now Derrick, do I?"

Episode 21 - One man's top secret microchip, another man's candy.

"Ah, Derrick," I sighed.  "You sure made a mess of yourself.  Sit down and let me try to patch you up.  Fogweet, go stand over there, little dude.  Maybe you'll find another one of those pretty lights."

"Okay Uncle Jerry."  Fogweet backed away while glancing cautiously at Derrick.  "Man have big owie."

"Yes, he does, buddy."  I extracted some anti-septic and sealant from my kit.  "But we'll fix him up.  Is that an ice cream cone I see down that way?"

"Where?" Fogweet squealed and bolted across the conduit as I swabbed at the tooth marks in Derrick's arm. 

 "Well Derrick, I guess you weren't very tasty.  I'll put on some sealant and then, I'm going to wrap you up in this bandage.  When you get home, go check in with your family doctor.  You may need some reconstructive work." 

"Thanks Doc."  Derrick leaned heavily against the wall and let out a long breath.  "I think it's going to be a while until I get home though."

"Not too long, I hope," I replied finishing up and repacking my bag.  "There's a possibility this guy was caring Martian Rabies.  I'm thinking you should probably start the series of twenty-seven shots just in case."

"Rabies?"  Derrick choked and his eyes grew wide.  "I can handle knives and guns, Doc, but shots make me faint.  Twenty-seven of them will probably kill me dead."

"Me too," Officer Marshall agreed and swiped at his sweaty neck.  "I'm glad that guy didn't make my arm his lunch.  Hey Doc, any chance you've got some more of that rubbing alcohol in your bag?"

"Sorry.  Listen Derrick, I've really got to catch the next flight out.  If I don't make it to the ship by tomorrow, I'll be AWOL and I don't even want to think about what that will mean for my career.  I'm going to head back upstairs and I suggest you do too.  If you start to have hallucinations or feel dizzy get yourself to a medic quickly and start those shots.  Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure Doc."  Derrick kneaded his own sweaty forehead.  "You sure you don't want to hang around here a little longer and keep an eye on me yourself?  I mean, you know better than me and Marshall what Martian Rabies look like."

"Sorry," I said again and handed Derrick a prescription for antibiotics and pain killers.  "I'll be at the gate for a little while.  I think the next flight isn't for another hour or so.  Ring or text me if you get worried but chances are he wasn't rabid.  He didn't drool or have really bad breath, did he?"

"Bad breath?" Derrick squeaked.

"Probably nothing," I reiterated.  "My cell number is on that script.  Call me if you need me."

"Is this in English?  I can't read anything here.  Do they purposely teach you how to write unintelligibly in med school?" Derrick mumbled when suddenly, Fogweet came running up the conduit.

"Uncle Jerry!  No ice cream cones down there but Fogweet find something else!"

"What is it, little buddy?" I asked as he jumped around, his luminescent head excitedly pulsing yellow light and reflecting off the dark walls of the shaft.

"Fogweet find candy!"  He held out his hand to display a tiny gold square and was just about to pop it in his mouth when Derrick launched himself at it.  "Mine!" Fogweet roared and flashed his dozens of tiny sharp teeth. 

"Give it to me!" Derrick screamed.  "That's a chip, you idiot, not candy!"

"Mine," Fogweet declared again and swallowed the chip.  "Yummy."

"Uh oh," Officer Marshall mumbled.  "I'm not going to hang around to watch it come out the other end."

"Give it back!"  Derrick wrapped his arms around Fogweet's tiny neck causing the Martian's big head to lob from side to side.  "Either spit it out or Uncle Jerry is going to cut it out.  Get your scalpel ready, Doc."

"Nuh uh," Fogweet growled and his head started to glow red hot.  "My candy, right Uncle Jerry?"

"Hey, keep me out of this.  One man's top secret microchip is another man's candy."  I swung my kit over my shoulder and headed toward the stairs.  "Don't be a stranger, Derrick.  Email me some time."

"Fogweet live with Uncle Jerry!" the Martian let out a plaintive cry and wrestled away from Derrick.  He 

barreled down the conduit and leaped on my back, once again threading his sticky fingers through my hair.

"Get back here you little Big Head!" Derrick raged racing after us.  "Stop!"  A moment later, I found myself once again on the floor, flattened beneath Fogweet and Derrick.  While they wrestled above me, Marshall nervously paced the tiny corridor, his hands trembling from lack of nicotine. 

"I'm going to miss the last flight out tonight, aren't I?" I asked no one in particular, my head jammed against the cement. 

"Looks that way, Doc," Marshall replied.  "You sure you don't have anything else in your bag I can drink?  Maybe one of those tiny little hotel bottles of gin?  Whiskey?  Vodka?  Light beer?"

Episode 20 - Derrick's Escape

The trader and his minion continued shoving me forward down the conduit. I was getting fed up with being pushed around but I knew that this was not the time to try and protest. The head trader was at least eight feet tall and probably at least four hundred pounds. Combine his stature with the weapons around his belt and the sharpness of his fangs and I was certainly at a slight disadvantage. I knew in order to escape I'd have to find or create a moment but this was not it, not yet.

"Stalling is making me angered. Show me chip now or die to death."

As if their foul breathe and pushing wasn't bad enough, their blatant butchering of the English language was grating on my nerves. 

I scanned the area ahead of me, continuing to count the steps we took in my head. It was four hundred feet between emergency beacons and I was nearly at the next one. Through the darkness, dragging my feet, I came up on the next beacon. I pretending to trip again, and as I fell to the ground I initiated the next one. 

"What you do? What that light?" I heard over my shoulder as a mammoth foot came crashing down on my back. The weight of the blow knocked the air out of my lungs. I regained my senses and turned over; "It's a marker I placed to show me the way to the chip I hid." It was a blatant bluff, but it was all I could come up with at the minute. The head trader leaned down over me, his vile breathe making me nauseous. He seethed over me for several moments before he acquiesced. 

"You get up now and find chip, or you find your head under foot next time."

I got to my feet and continued to stumble forward. All I could do was pray that somewhere, someone was monitoring the feed from the emergency beacons and was alerted to the distress signal, because I was certainly in plenty of distress.

Another four hundred feet forward and I was able to convince the traders to allow me to initiate another beacon. A flimsy plan at best, but it was working, and it was all I had to go on, until...

"Fogweet find another one, see; there are many, many lights for Fogweet to play with" I heard approaching from behind us. There was a small glimmer of light approaching from where we had come from. The two traders turned towards the voice and my moment had arrived.

The light from my plasma blade illuminated the entire conduit in a blink of an eye. There was a loud howl as the thick muscular arm of the trader in front of me came off with almost no effort. He spun around and clubbed me with his armored hand in my chest. I was lifted off my feet and fell backward onto my back. I tried to recover from the fall and find the blade which had slipped from my hand, but suddenly I had several hundred pounds of beast on top of me. I threw my forearm up over my face and could feel the sharp fangs of the trader pressing into my flesh. I wailed in pain, feeling his teeth against my bone. 

I was briefly blinded by the sudden light of Fogweet's large head as he jumped on the trader's back and sank his own sharp teeth into his neck. Again the beast wailed out in pain, but in the process he released my arm from his jaws and lifted his weight off of my body. Adrenaline drove me backward toward my blade and with all the energy in my body I ran forward plunging the blade into the abdomen of the trader. The smell of searing flesh wafted throughout the air; "Mmmm, smell like dinner" Fogweet said as he unclamped  his teeth from the neck of the dead villain.

"Fogweet! Fogweet! Where the hell did you go Big Head?" I heard approaching from the far end of the conduit. 

"Sgt. Thomas? Oh my God, it is you!" 

I could make out the voice of officer Marshall, and as he came over and placed an arm around my waist to help me up I could see his face. 

"If I may say so, you look like shit sir..." he said, lifting me off the ground. 

"You don't look too hot yourself Marshall, you must be jonesing right about now, huh?" The look in his eyes and the smell of rubbing alcohol on his breathe confirmed my suspicions.


"What happened to the head trader? Did you guys take him out?"


"Head who? We didn't see anyone else besides this dismembered thing you killed over here, phew, what a stench by the way..."


The reality that the main trader had somehow escaped the conduit and was still out there searching for the chip was troubling, but I was bleeding and did not have the energy to go in pursuit right this minute. He would have to wait, for now...

Another familiar voice addressed me; "Well, I never thought I'd say this but it's good to see you again Derrick."

"Yeah, the feeling is mutual doc. What the fuck took you so long anyway?"

(TTiS is an interactive Episodic Saga, from the minds of: J. Naomi Ay & Ahmad Taylor. Follow the whole tale here and the individual stories at: J. Naomi Ay & Ahmad Darkside Musings)